Back To School Lessons For Empty Nesters

It’s that time of the year when parents are taking their kids back to college, or even harder, taking a child there for the first time. It isn’t usually something we as parents look forward to. No matter how many times I have done it, I cry most of the way home. It’s not that we think our kids are going to be miserable, friendless, and fail all their classes.  In fact, we know they will eventually, if not sooner, thrive. What makes it so difficult for us is that we know things will never be the same again.

Of course, we will see them. They’ll be home for (most) breaks and for the summer. But it will be different – they will be different. They have lived on their own to some extent and have taken care of themselves. While they will still expect you to do their laundry, they have a new sense of self-sufficiency and an expectation of freedom, whether we think they are ready for it or not. And if you try to relate to them the way you did while they were younger, I think you will find it doesn’t go very well for you. You’ll be frustrated and hurt.

So at this back-to-school time, here are a few lessons we can practice to make this adjustment a little easier on our hearts. The first thing – and this isn’t just a platitude – is to pray. God knows this is hard, and He knows what both we and our children need. He will give us the wisdom we need to navigate this new stage of life, comfort to heal our hearts, grace to love well and to do and say the right things, and mercy for when we don’t. Put your child in God’s care.

A second help is to make use of your memories, when they come to mind naturally and intentionally. Look at pictures or old videos with your kids, and do a lot of, “Remember when. . .” The time we have with our children is so short. Recalling the good memories can stretch out that time in our hearts.

A third practice is to make memories now. It will probably be more difficult to get your kids to do things with you than it was when they were young, but now that you know how short the time really is and how valuable memories are, intentionally planning fun things to do or even making a spontaneous trip to a coffee shop will be easier to make a priority.

The last lesson I would suggest is to work on yourself. You knew when you became a parent that the job isn’t forever. Your whole purpose was to care for, nurture, teach, and love them so that they would leave well – your parenting job was only ever meant to be temporary. You haven’t lost your purpose. You are missing your kids, but you still have the rest of your life ahead of you, now with time to fill with new activities. Look for ways to make new friends, learn new skills or revive whatever you put aside to be a mom or dad. Volunteer, mentor a young person. Keep up your fellowship with the people at church. Renew your relationship with your spouse and with God. Your relationship with your kids is changing, but you are still a child of God. He will be your comfort and hope through all the changes of life.